hawk sun rising…

I’m full of an unreasoning joy today. It’s something I had begun to fear I would never feel again. Nothing amazing happened today. All the usual places ache, plus a few extras. But I’m happy for the best reason there is to be happy, no reason at all. The last few months have been difficult. September was dark as dark gets. The two people that were most dear to me in the world are no longer in my life, one a tie that became necessary to sever, the other a slow fade out over the past few months. I have learned some hard lessons. I still have a lot of healing do. But I haven’t been broken. I haven’t lost me. I’m alive and sensing all of life’s possibilities. Knowing that feels unbelievably good. I know this feeling isn’t permanent. More difficult times will come, quite possibly sooner rather than later. But goddamn, I’m gonna enjoy this while it lasts.

A New Chapter

Mood: Introspective
Music: Concrete Blonde – Joey

So it turns out I wasn’t quite ready to let go after all. My ex came back in the summer, and yes, we got back together. Again. Disaster ensued, of course.
In some ways, it feels like it happened in a different lifetime. In some ways, it did. I am certainly not the person I was a year ago.
Yes, things ended but this time I had say in the matter. There was moment of perfect and horrible clarity. We had been on the phone a few minutes earlier, arguing (again) and as I played back conversation in my head, I really heard myself. I heard what I was becoming, what this screwed up relationship was doing to me.
I realized that if we continued on this way, I would lose the very parts of myself I cherished the most; my light, my heart and my determination not to let the world grind me down and become bitter and jaded.
The thought terrified me. Three years of struggle, of trying to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of a fucked up life, to become the person I felt it was meant to be and I was going to let this happen? Oh, hell no! I’d rather die. I almost did, in September. Maybe I’ll tell you about it someday. Maybe I won’t.
So I called him up, we got together, and I said goodbye. With a heart full of love, I said goodbye. It was like every bit of love that I had ever had for him rushed to the forefront, momentarily overwhelming all the pain. I’m grateful for that. I didn’t want an ugly parting.
He told me that it didn’t feel right, our parting, but to me, it had never felt more right. I didn’t want to hurt him. I knew that later, I would feel all of those horrible, unpleasant emotions drift through again, anger, pain, betrayal, insecurity and lack of trust but this moment was mine.
I chose to go with my heart. I said that I couldn’t see the future (true) and perhaps someday we could sort out a friendship that would work. But those words felt like a lie. I was thinking, that by the time it was safe for me to be around him, (if I could ever be around him without my heart bleeding) it was quite possible I would no longer want to.
I realized he wasn’t a bad person, just kind of messed up, like you, like me. His wants, needs and priorities were very different from mine. In some ways, we were completely incompatible. In other ways, far too alike.
He said he didn’t purposely try to hurt me, maybe that’s even true. I know I never meant to hurt him, but I did. I once thought he’d be around for the whole story, but some people only stay for a chapter or two.
I had a conversation with someone recently. He said “You don’t get to choose who you love, but you do get to choose what you do about it”. Wise words.
I still love the man who was once a friend and lover. Perhaps I always will. The thought no longer fills me with self-loathing.
So here I sit, beginning a new chapter.

Soul Searching

Mood: Sorrowful

Music: Matchbox 20 – Bent

About a month and a half ago my ex and I broke up for the last time. I think I’m finally coming to terms with the feelings I’ve been trying so hard run away from, to deny.

The painful fact of the matter is I still love him. In losing him I feel like I’ve lost a limb. After a year and a half of on-again, off-again in a relationship, out of the relationship, denying the relationship, accepting it, and the ultimate impossibility of it, something dear has been lost.

The problem is I don’t want to miss him. I don’t want to care for him. It doesn’t seem logical. It feels like weakness. That somehow I am flawed to still care about somebody who caused me so much pain.  Feeling that, somehow, makes it worse.

There’s such a tangle of emotions when it comes to thinking of him. Hurt, regret, anger, the list goes on. But underneath all, I remember the feeling when we finally parted that day. It was love. Faced with the realization that it could never work, a moment of clarity when I could see and understand him in a way I never had before. Love and forgiveness, and odd sort of closeness and protectiveness in that moment of parting.

I miss my love, I miss my friend. I miss our physical closeness. The idea that he no longer has a place in my life cuts as much now as it did then. Seems wrong somehow to miss my kryptonite, the one who always seemed to weaken me and cause me pain. But I do.

In loving him, I learned what love can really be. The depth and vastness of it. A joyousness I’ve not felt before. And such a hurt in my heart, wounded like I have never been before. The lesson of fear that I’d never experienced before. Fear of loss, fear of being hurt like this again.

Once upon a time, I could’ve walked away without looking back. Cutting him out of my life as neatly as one would cut a picture from a magazine. But I’ve changed. I can no longer take the easy path. So I grieve. As much as I yearn to see him, I am terrified of encountering him. Seeing his face, looking into his eyes, hearing his voice would only hurt and solve nothing.

So I must try to accept. Accept the pain, the hurt, the loss. Be willing to feel it and suffer it so I may heal. Forgive myself for having these feelings. Forgive him. I don’t want to hate him. I don’t even want to be angry at him. I want to heal. To move on, to not let fear stop me. To not feel guilty or shamed for my emotions. Because part of me realizes takes great courage to love someone as I loved him. So today I will let myself feel. Let myself miss him, let myself grieve. The first real step towards releasing the past.